One of the things, I could never explain to her or anyone is how I felt when every morning I used to look forward for that time I laid my eyes on her when she opened the door and let me in. The smile. Just be in the same room. Just being on that couch we bought.
The ritual while leaving everyday, that 5 steps till the lift and she still standing there.
I never told her how much I adored her actions towards me.
Today, after all the functions we were sitting and talking about some random things. When all of a sudden the conversation went towards companionship. I usually am a silent spectator in all these discussions. The other families know each other for over a decade.
I told them about the small things theory. When they wanted dig in more, I deflected like a LEGEND
I know I dont deserve her and Infact she didnt deserve the pain and suffering I caused.
But somewhere deep inside, the little child inside me missing her, its misisng these moments of friendship, warmth, love and that little touch so much. Those are the most genuine feeling I ever had. I crave it so badly on my bad days and I cannot share anything on my good days.
I am immature fuck and maybe what's happending to me is right. I knew I was going to be this miserable fuck if she is ever out of my life. Did I fucking manifest this downfall? I shouldn't have syarted the fuckin therapy ☠️☠️☠️ Ye meri jaan leke hi maanegi
Back then I never told her how much I hurt myself physically everytime she reminded me of her feeling like a mistress in our lives. No one can fucking imagine what it feels like when someone you love so deeply says this. It meant I degraded her just by being in her life. Its a fucking record now, that I have cried about her EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for the last several months. I cannot seem to wind back my love for her, stop this feeling or so anything about it. So I just let it stay, just be with me.
Sometimes I pity myself. Hopefully sooner than later it gets to a point where I can decide and act and burn the fuck everything down.
Sometimes I dont even recognize this version of myself. She came into my life, taught me ways to live, to cry, to smile, to love, to feel. Feel for her more than I feel for myself. Even when she is away, I feel her. I cant explain how much I desire to live that time again, but knowing myself and knowing I dont trust myself, I would never do that, not for the lack of want but I will kill myself before I end up hurting her again. But till the time my mind goes BOOOM, its the tears, the slaps and the silent pain for me.
She is my DOPAMINE and I am her KRYPTONITE.