Rockbottom, maybe. But I emd up hitting it quite often

One day I was asked to explain what I go through when I slide back into my past few years. Because without a shadow of doubt meeting her was one of the biggest pivoting points of my life. But she doesn't deserve to be in the pain that I put her through. I dont deserve such a person.

On that day I couldnt put it in words about, how I feel, what I go through, what happens to my body without even trying.

There are simpler times that I sit and cry without any thought. Now thats on a good day. On the other end of the spectrum are days that I do not even wish for my worst enemy.

Then I saw a video, and I saw my reflection in that. Because thats exactly how my body behaves and I never realised it, till someone else reached out to check on me. It was in my office basement good court. And that was on 14th March and had less people around the building, I reckon I was supposed to mental breakdown, given that date.

There are days that this happens to me even now, but I am conscious that I dont slip into it in public.

Toodaloo

She had asked me one day something on the lines of, that if all 3 of us are unhappy then what is the point of it?

Now, both of them ended up in a better place after getting away from me. I am the fucking Kryptonite.  I should have realised sooner in her case, took a few months to make myself believe that her happiness and peace is much more valuable than my life. Never told her, probably never will.

I will try and not do the same mistake with him. He is unfortunate at the moment because he is stuck with me. Eventually I will get him to leave also and be with his mother, maybe he will have a better life too then. Maybe that day onwards, only I will be unhappy and in pain. Till then I will plaster a smile on my face as and when needed and keep up appearances and we'll see what to do about it when the time comes.

There is so much negativity inside me rn that I cannot even put in words. Lets see. I understand it's a phase, but I am not so sure there is light at the end of the tunnel.