I started one of the sessions with something intense
Is there a purpose? Does grief and processing of grief have any purpose in the evolution of who I was, who I am? The fallout it brings isn't kind to my present.
terms like growing around, continuing bond, building anew.. such terms are just sugar coating the missing point that I want to hold on it. Because in the end, at least that is still mine to keep, mind to hold.
I was asked if I feel like her memories are making me feel like a prisoner?
I actively avoid moments of joy, peace and sometime those of relief, knowing well that this part is unhealthy because deep within me I have always felt that, it would mean I am moving away from the loss, betraying it, betraying her, - US. All this is Fugazi, she didn't know what it meant, I smiled for a moment because it again brings back memories.
I briefly told about my talks as a way to cope when its too extreme for me - both in little bit of happiness or even sadness.
I pretend, we are talking. I imagine seeing her and we talk. I make it a private space to keep some sense of connection. In a more sane mind, I know this isnt what will happen, I would never want to do it to her. The little happiness and peace I have, is when I tell myself that she is happy, safe and loved. So I use, whatever little imagination I have to talk. Like the other day. I had extensive conversation about this year's tax filing and that it was done independently last year. I was so damn proud of her last year <3
She underestimated herself and her abilities, not anymore I hope. TathaAsthu
Asked about coping - Earlier i use to drop chats to a dummy contact taggde to her and have full blown one sided conversations, now I talk, to a mirror, to a plushie I bought for her, to a book. Sometimes its just 10 mins and I feel fine, even happy. Some other times, I have caught myself talking for a long time. One day Anshu walked in thinking I am on the phone. Ofcourse I didnt tell her this. My fear of losing this also os incredibly strong. It might sound stupid or crazy to some folks but I have seen myself in the involuntary body movements, in panic, with a million thoughts running through my brain at the same time. A few times, I had to physically give myself some pain, a slap here, a pinch there.. to stop it and for it to focus on something else. A lot of times, when I am stuck in this loop, my brain is running on emergency backup and it shuts down sooner than later.
If I made any friends - Friends, No. There is a difference. Time and again I have told to anyone who asks, I cannot now make any new friends. I have colleagues, acquaintances. I do not have the mental capacity to talk to people, whom i can open upto even for small things. There are a couple of them, but I am giving them less and less space and over time I know this will dry up. The inner circle has no space for any new characters. Although the old ones might not be connected, but they arent going anywhere. She isnt going anywhere. She can choose to cut off every point of contact, thats her right, but I will never be able to push her away in this sense. She is the person that I have most opened up to about everything in my life. All my past laid bare. Everything. I'll somehow manage to live with this disconnect because its important for her life now.
Why do I push people away - because I think I am like the cancer that affects people who are close to me in terrible ways and they need to be able to live their life to the fullest and happiest. I knowingly, dont want to ruin it for them. I have seen so many negative things happen to people around me, because of me. I said how I plan to redirect Anshu's life also. Its important for him to grow in a stable environment. As of today, I dont see that I would be able to pull it off. Then I got a gyan on how a life of a child needs to be with both parents, yada yada yada. I asked to move on and pick this topic up in a later session.
then like clockwork - the conversation moved to ascertain if I was having any thoughts? I joked about the HIPAA and Doctor Patient confidentiality BS, since its US regulation qnd here there is no confidentiaity per se. I asked her will she drop me, if I say Yes. and I laughed. She wasn't entertained. Meh.
From what I have understood, I am not yet exhausted of all of this. I haven't flatlined fully. There was once or twice, or maybe thrice :P moments some months back, but not now. Right now, I want to actively experience this grief and pain and suffering. Touche. Although some of my words feel like implicit future references, the logsicla part of my mind begs to differ. I play the devils advocate for myself somedays. Learned about a new term - 'Depressive mask'. Good to know, I too might get to be a superhero.
I told her what was triggering me for the last 2 days and will happen next month also. There is Onam celebration in the building. I didn't tell her the details, but like most other things that WE had, this also gets destroyed..
Yippie Kai-Yay
Talking about some non-theraputic life scenes - I finally removed a name from my dependants list at SE. Its just Anshu and my parents now. I was doing some work eith Kitty on one of the HR Use Cases and I was using my own data for testing, Kitty asked me about this since this came out as an anomaly as per their system rules. I made up some story, but like Byomkesh Bakshi said,
Sach ke pass wala jhuth pakadna mushkil hota hai.
She also heard about the promotion that I rejected. 4 gaali alag padi uske liye usse.
It is summer vacation in FR now, so I have made myself damn busy over the next 1 month, it is also a good reason because, I don't want to go to Kerala for Onam. Since I am here, I will not make anything at home, maybe a Payasam but will order 1 set for Anshu. Chacha Chachi are not here. So its just the both of us.
Anyhoo. Writing this made the tears stop . The outer corner of my eye hurts like hell. Its all red like I am high
Maybe I am, who knows :D :D :D
Toodaloo