Off late I am losing my temper, it happens only sometimes but its started again. It had gone down significantly around the 2014s and the years after that, esp in 2021s and ahead.
Sometimes I dont like the way I behave with Anshuma, it doesnt have to be when I am angry but even if there is a little bit of negativity (not really negative negative but still.. I am not getting the right word) I feel or act towards him or I act badly, I inadvertently punish myself. This punishment eventually happens no matter what. It doesnt matter how much I push myself not to do anything stupid.
I realised I re-started to do that around last year, and slowly it went up. I did that every single time when I think of Aanima, a couple of times when I spoke irritatingly with my parents, now with Anshu.
History Lesson -
I remember back during my school days I used to do the silent and muffled screaming and crying till my eyes pain ofcourse, but then the want to giving myself pain was so much that i used to keep myself hungry and thirsty to a point and when I am parched like hell, I used to drink water from a water tank. In my mind it used to be that I didn't want cause pain to others, if they see any physical infliction, I used to hope this dirty water would give me something small. I remember reading back then, diarrhea, dysentery to Cholera and other chronic illness could have happened because of dirty water. Since I had my own room, it was easy to fool around with all this shit in my head.
Last year, in her case, I had given up on food I liked which eventually slowly led to starving myself, to depriving sleep and more, I used to stay hungry till my stomach hurts like hell because of hunger. At that time, even if I eat anything simple it would take days if not weeks to recover from the pain and processing.
It was a mix of mental and physical pain. All of this somehow still connects back to what I did during my childhood days.
All of this is so fucked up! I dont know why I think this is a form of restitution.
Yippie Kai-yay
Anyhoo
In positive news, the new work to drive the Agentic task force is engaging and keep me busy. Thats a cool new learning. I started on Databricks after JLL, vibe coding a front end and dashboard on Google Studio is fun.
I also have to build the SKILLS for Risk and Quality. Its hopefully a fun learning.
Maybe staying busy might help me cope better. I dont know, I wish not caring enough, was as easy as flipping a switch or replacing a broken person like a broken vase.
I took the day off today to be lazy, do some reading and also watched TV. SAMBHAVAM CHAPTER 1 was a twisted story, I liked it.