I found a note I wrote a few months back.. mostly around June July last year.
Some memories you want to hold onto.
Most will haunt you like a curse.
Today, I burnt it.
It's a slow and arduous process.. even slower and considerably harder when I dont let it run its course. I told my therapist this exact thing, tbst there are 2 things I know or assume are happening.
1. This is the assumption part - She is happy... and I am at peace about it. This brings me a kind of satisfaction that I cannot express. Now a days I seldom pray, but whenever it is, one part of it is for their happiness. Their, not just her. Schrodinger's cat and all, thsi assumption.
2. My life is in a state of limbo. I almost don't feel anything, I am just present. If anything, on most days it's plain and simple sadness towards myself and my actions or lack thereof. I try to find joy in simple things but on most days I don't want to feel happy about anything. Its like I desparately try and stay sad.
Recently Hema asked me about her. I was telling her that I being happy for her and I being sad for myself, can co-exist and one has nothing to do with the other.
I told her how I am not always sad but mostly like I am on autopilot because I am unable to make any real connection with people because the fear of abandonment is very high, and its not the ability but the wwillingness, and how I am keeping people at arms length. I dont think I will ever allow myself to be this vulnerable again. No one in my entire life had more access to my past or present.
I, now a days, have some conversation with Pooja, but somedays that too I feel is very hollow. Many times I felt I should discuss the point of letting her go... to do her thing, to look for a better life and a happy life that she can rebuild away from me, but since Anshu's life is still here and with all her work stress I didnt introduce it yet. Maybe later this year if his school admission goes through, we'll see. Maybe, just maybe she'll also find peace.
JB, Riti, Ved, Tony, Ashu, Ishanee all these are good people, who have a decent comnection with and can have a warm conversation. But, other than a couple of them, I don't let anyone, anywhere near the real me. Its all superficial. I dont want to build bridges that will be burnt either by my actions or theirs. Even today, the fear of abandonment to me is a question of When, not If.
It's this terrible feeling where I sometimes cook to feel good, but I don't eat it. I dont feel like enjoying it. I give it away to these people or to Anshu's friends. I do feel happy when I recieve praises, but that atmost brings a weak ass smile and then ut fades away.
I keep my sugar levels in check by eating a pinch of sugar here and there, just so I dont go hypo. My overall blood tests are in shambles. All the essential nutrients are way lower than required.
Eh, Potahto-Potato
Anyhoo
Then there is this video - not sure why this resonates a lot
Toodaloo